you leaving was my undoing
by Gosh1991
Summary: Maura has left and this has left Jane distraught. Starts at how Jane is feeling now and will go back to the beginning of their relationship and will hopefully run right through to where we start off and maybe a bit further.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **You leaving was my undoing

**Rating: **16 probably for later chapters

**Genre: **angst/ friendship and maybe romance

**Pairing(s): **Jane/Maura

**Summary:** Maura has left and this has left Jane distraught. Starts at how Jane is feeling now and will go back to the beginning of their relationship and will hopefully run right through to where we start off and maybe a bit further.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the characters no matter how much I wish I did but if I did Jane and Maura would already be together!. This is not for profit only for entertainment

**Author's Notes: **I only really dabble in fan fiction and haven't really been doing it for long but here is my first Rizzoli and Isles fanfiction.

So please be kind, I hope you enjoy and please review I always like to hear feedback

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><p>Chapter 1<p>

What happens when love isn't enough anymore? What happens when what you thought was real came crashing down on you and choked the spirit right out of you? When your faith no longer gives you comfort and your questions can no longer be answered. When the person you could always confide in walks away without an explanation and you are left wondering if it was something you did or said. When your life spins at a million miles an hour past your eyes and you cannot understand or explain why all this is happening to me and to make it more unbearable it is all happening at once.

The comforting hazel eyes are what I miss the most; one look from them was enough to instil peace in my body right down to the core of my being. The gentle look that she reserved only for me, the eyes that are usually heavy with burden as she carries such importance and stress in her job soften and lighten whenever she sees me.

She's the only person that has ever looked at me and seen the real me, she sees past the walls and the shields that I have carefully constructed over the years and have never once been close to being knocked down until the day she blew into my life. She knocked them right down with that one smile that had her dimples on full display and ever since that day I've never been able to reconstruct them or had I reconstructed them with her inside them with me.

I miss the highfalutin explanations that came out of her mouth, I may not have understand a lot of the words that came out of her mouth but it never failed to bring a smile to my lips and then her perfectly shaped eyebrow would lift with an incredulous look and she'd ask "what's so funny?" It always made me laugh how unperceptive she was. She had such a high intellect yet she had no street smarts.

The memory that sticks in my mind and seems to always slip into my dreams whenever I feel especially lonely or scared is this one:

I hadn't known her that long only about 6 months but we had this strange connection I felt safe and protected when I was around her even though she was only 5 foot 2 and weighed about 115 pounds.

**_It was a cold night and instead of going to my mom's house or my brother's house I found myself doing the 10 minute drive to her house._**

**_I'd had some terrifying news and I couldn't think of anywhere better to go. Ma would fuss and worry about me and my brother would go all protective and I couldn't handle that kind of smothering behaviour so I did the most logical thing and drove to her house._**

**_She always gave me that comfort where I knew I dint have to talk if I didn't want to but if I did she would listen without being judgemental._**

**_When she opened the door she looked like she had just stepped off a photo shoot, she looked amazing in her incredibly expensive designer clothes, ones I could never afford but I could appreciate how they looked but more importantly how they looked on her._**

**_She examined me with those intense hazel eyes and then stepped aside to allow me into the house._**

**_She showed me to the spare bedroom in her house and to no surprise it was just as lavish as all the other rooms in her house. She lay down next to me on the bed and I made some stupid quip about was it a sleepover or was she trying to tell me that she liked me. A smile slowly spread across her face and a giggle escaped her lips which were carefully covered in red lipstick._**

**_I was relaxed and completely at ease in her presence when a bang invaded all my senses. I shot up from the bed and cast worried eyes towards the bedroom door. She sat up and placed her hand on my arm and said "don't worry its ok"_**

**_With just one simple touch and such everyday words she sent the fear right from my body, it was like it had dissipated into thin air. I lay back down revelling in the warmth that was radiating from her hand that was now running up and down on my arm soothing my inner doubts, making my veins feel like they were filled with molten lava instead of blood. I fell asleep knowing that I was safe and I slept the best that I had in a long time._**

This is my favourite moment because this is when I first realised how much she had changed my life and how much she meant to me and how much I needed her to be in my life. She had drifted into my life with such ease and had set up home in my heart and to be honest it had scared me but in that moment when she assured me everything was going to be ok I truly believed it, I knew it would be ok as long as she was in my life.

The memory often brings tears to my eyes as now I no longer have that safe haven that I cherished so much, all I have is a constant aching loneliness that no matter how hard I try cant seemed to be fixed. I no longer have a place where I feel safe where if an army had tried to get me I knew they wouldn't succeed, instead I have constant fear encompassing my body and even in my own home it couldn't be quashed.

If only she was still around now I'd reach out and pull her into my arms and tell her how much she means to me and to never leave me because I don't think I would be able to function or continue on in my life.

My life wasn't really going anywhere at the moment. Since she had left I haven't set foot in work, in there is a constant reminder of me and her and all the amazing times we had shared.

She's been gone almost 3 months and I can't bring myself to even go near the building. It had gotten so bad at one time that I had had to redecorate my apartment; she was everywhere in there.

All the little trinkets she had bought for me had accumulated over the years and she had helped me paint the living room one summer afternoon about 3 years ago. We had argued for hours about what colour to paint it and her having an extensive knowledge of everything; she had won in the end. We'd spent that afternoon carefully painting the three walls and she was meticulous about not crossing the border on the wall into the kitchen. She was such a perfectionist. To stir trouble I put a giant stripe of paint down her cheek and laughed. By the end of it we were both covered in paint and looked ridiculous.

The apartment had smelt like her too; the expensive perfume that she wore and her own special smell that was her and only her. The smell was the undoing of me if she had ridded me from her life than I would do the same, so with tears streaming down my face I threw everything in the bin from my apartment that reminded me of her; well almost everything I couldn't bring myself to throw out the pyjamas that she had left at my house, she must have forgotten about them when she left.

She left a pair at my house because she would often spend the night and likewise I had a pair at her house. I kept them because they were the pair she wore the last time she stayed the night and they still smelt like her. At the start when nights were difficult I'd put them on the pillow beside me and I'd drift off into an easy sleep where she was still with me and everything was just as good as it had been when we first met. But now seeing them causes a twinge of sadness, they don't ease me into a pleasant sleep anymore they only remind me of what I've lost. I keep them to remind me that she was real and that maybe one day she will be back and I'll be waiting for her and I'll tell her that her leaving doesn't mean anything anymore because she is back where she belongs and that is where she is staying.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Again I do not own any of the characters and this is not for profit only f un

Chapter 2

The flashlight slipped from my hand for the third time as I tried to attach it to my belt. "God damn it" I grumbled and bent down to pick it up. It was clear for anyone to see that my hands were trembling like a leaf.

I straightened up without picking the flashlight up and held my hands out; the scars were clearly visible, they were still a hideous shade of red even though the incident had happened over a month ago.

This was going to be my first day back at work but if I couldn't even attach my flashlight to my belt how was I going to load and reload a gun if I needed to? I couldn't control my hands it's as if they had a mind of their own, they were a constant reminder that fear coursed through my veins every second of every day since the incident.

I'd promised myself that I wouldn't let Hoyt break me but as the days went on I could feel that he'd stolen parts of me and he'd broken me and maybe so bad that I could never be repaired again. I kicked the flashlight across the room and it collided with the door causing the glass to shatter "Great now I'll have to buy a new one" I mumbled to myself.

Things were not going to be good today. The idea of being in work caused my stomach to tie itself in knots I didn't want peoples' sympathy and I didn't need everyone's eyes on me as I tried to get back to normal.

I was broken from my thoughts by a gentle knock on the door. I reached out to turn the knob my hand shook so violently that it took me a few goes to actually get the door open. On the other side of the door was Maura Isles dressed as impeccably as ever not even a hair out of place! She smiled softly at me and uttered her hellos. I stepped aside to let her in and with the grace of a swan she walked in and sat down at my breakfast bar. "Maura not that it's not nice to see you but what are you doing here so early?"

I had only known Maura about 2 months she'd joined Boson Police department as the new Chief Medical Examiner. At first I couldn't believe that this beautiful woman was the ME, I couldn't believe that someone like her would choose to spend time with dead bodies instead of interacting with the living population she'd definitely capture peoples' attention with her beauty.

She'd waltzed onto the scene of a murder and with ease she had commanded her surroundings she opened her mouth and a fountain of knowledge spewed out. For a second I thought she was being pretentious but the closer I looked at her the more I could see that this was just who she was, she was highly intelligent and loved what she did.

Most people would have found her constant stream of knowledge annoying but I liked it, it was interesting even if it took a month of Sundays to get a straight answer out of her! Over time Maura and I had become great friends so in all honesty I wasn't that surprised to see her on my doorstep this morning.

Her soft voice broke me from my thoughts "I'm here because it is your first day back since Hoyt…" She paused not sure if she should have mentioned his name of not and her eyes fell saddened by the memory. "I just wanted to make sure you are ok?" A small smile appeared on her lips and I couldn't help but smile back.

I rubbed my hands nervously; it was a habit that I had, whenever his name was mentioned or I got upset or nervous the scars would burn and I'd have to rub them. "Yeah Maura I'm fine don't worry" Her eyes studied me for a second and I silently cursed her for having such a high intellect because by the look on her face she was seeing right through me.

She got up from the breakfast bar and walked over to me stopping only about a foot away from me. "Jane" she sighed, it wasn't a question it was more a statement like she knew I was lying through my teeth. She reached for my hands but I pulled them away slightly.

No one really touched my hands except for Korsak he'd been there when it had all happened and I knew he wasn't judging me when he touched them. Maura's eyes locked on mine and I could see the hurt in them, she was only trying to help me but I was having some kind of mental block. Maura would never judge me hell she didn't have a mean bone in her body, she was the most understanding person I had ever met and with just one look she could calm me.

I sighed heavily and nodded my head; she reached out again and gently covered my hands with hers. A wave of sadness flooded my body and I could feel the tears burning a trail down my cheeks. Her touch was so gentle, her fingers didn't automatically go to the scars like Korsak's did but she linked our fingers and squeezed my hands lightly.

No one had shown such care when it came to looking after me especially when it came to Hoyt and all my emotions just spilled over. I was embarrassed that I'd let my guard down, I was Jane Rizzoli the first female detective, and a bad ass and that's how I wanted people to see me, I wanted them to think that nothing could scare me but Hoyt had shattered that pretence and everyone knew it.

Maura was the only one that got to see this side of me. She pulled me over to the breakfast bar and sat me down she walked to the other side and sat down too and recapture my hands. "You're not fine Jane, I know you, and you can't lie to me. It's understandable that you're nervous to go back you were traumatised but no one is going to judge you when you get back and I know it will take you a while to get back into the swing of things but when you do Boston watch out Rizzoli is back!"

She let a small laugh escape her lips and I smiled brightly at her "Thanks Maura" but my face fell again "But what if I'll never be the same again? what if Hoyt has damaged me so bad that I'll never be who I used to be, what if I can't do my job? I can't do anything else!" I let go of one of her hands and wiped the tears that had begun to fall again.

Maura sat up straight and talked in a firm tone "Hoyt hasn't damaged you he's made you stronger, Jane I've never met anyone like you before, in time you'll see that this is just another chapter in your life an unfortunate on but one all the same and it will help you see that it has helped you become the amazing woman that you are today and will be in the future. You can't let him stop you from being who you are, that's what he wants and don't give him the satisfaction of getting what he wants!"

Her hand squeezed mine again tight and I couldn't help but smile brightly at her "Thanks Maura, you always know the right thing to say, did u know that you and Korsak are the only ones I let touch my hands not even Ma is allowed!"

Maura's eyes sparkled with delight "It means a lot that you would trust me that much Jane!" I nodded my head, wiped the tears from my cheeks and turned back to Maura "Now that that's over with lets go to work!"

I walked over to the door opened it and allowed Maura out; I closed it and locked it with hands steady as a rock!


	3. Chapter 3

**I know the chapters are coming out pretty quickly but I'm starting College on Monday so I'm trying to get as many as I can but don't expect it to always be as fast, thanks **

**I hope you enjoy :) **

**Disclaimer**: NOT my character no matter how much I wish they were!

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><p>Chapter 3<p>

"For God sake Maura a simple yes or no would suffice!" I'd been watching Maura do an autopsy for about half an hour and not one word that had come out of her mouth meant anything to me. I sighed heavily and ran my fingers through my hair in frustration "you're so difficult sometimes Maura! Did he die from the stab wound?" I grumbled.

Her head snapped up and she pinned me with her hazel eyes "Well Jane I'm sorry that I cannot give you a definitive answer at this present moment, it takes extensive examination and calculations to deduce if he died from the stab wound or from the blow to the head so have a little patience!" She glared once more at me and then went back to her work.

I chuckled to myself and slid myself onto the empty autopsy table and crossed my legs. "Maura Isles that was very aggressive, that's not like you at all, I must be rubbing off on you!" I internally congratulated myself, Maura could be so uptight sometimes and this new side to her intrigued me.

She looked up at me and smiled "Jane it is physically impossible for your traits to rub off on me it's in your DNA….." she trailed off and then was suddenly silenced I assume by the look I was giving her "You know what I mean Maura you don't have to take everything I say so literally!" She smiled brightly at me one where her dimples were on full show and I knew she was trying to wind me up. "Real mature Maura!" I mumble sticking my tongue out at her to add emphasis.

It's amazing how the atmosphere can change so quickly between us, just a few minutes ago I was ready to strangle her with my bare hands and now I couldn't contain the laughter as she told me that she had noticed that she had developed more undesirable traits since she had met me.

I glanced at the clock and my eyes widened in shock; it was 10 o' clock at night! Suddenly the morgue became stuffy and unbearable I needed to get out, I'd been in and out of here all day and I needed a break.

"Maura when will you be done? I NEED to get out of here all the chemicals are giving me a headache and since when did it get so damn hot in here?" I tugged at my shirt to convey how uncomfortable I was. Maura sighed heavily and turned to face me and laughed at my ridiculous behaviour. "Jane you do not have to stay, you can come pick me up when I'm done and then we can do dinner. I'll be about another hour"

I hopped off the table and whined "ugh Mauuuuura that's a waste of time to go home and come back, I guess I'm stuck here until you're done!" Maura held up a scalpel and signalled for me to take it "If you are going to sit there and complain about how long this is going to take I will not be able to concentrate so here take this and help me!"

I cautiously took the scalpel from her and looked at her not believing she was actually letting me do this "Are you serious?" I asked half expecting her to laugh and take it off me and tell me I was too gullible but sadly that did not happen.

She looked at me and stated "As a matter of fact you have observed so many of my autopsies that I have hypothesised that with a little guidance you should be able to help me without causing damage to the body." I stared at her as if she had two heads! Maura Isles the strict, stick to your job and do it right was going to let me help her.

I put on a pair of latex gloves and picked the scalpel my hands shaking slightly. "What do you want me to do?" I stole a glance at her and she was staring at my hands "well you are not going to do anything with your hands shaking like that, relax and then you can make an incision behind his right ear it appears to me there is a growth behind there" I took a deep breath to collect my nerves and shook my head clearing it of any negative thoughts.

When I had collected my nerves I leaned over the body and made a small incision right behind the ear like Maura had told me. All of a sudden a kind of brown substance came squirting out from the cut and landed on my face. "ugh oh my God Maura what is that it smell disgusting…I think I'm going to vomit!" I dropped the scalpel and ran for the sink, I made it there just in time and vomited the contents of my stomach into it.

The snap of Maura's gloves signalled to me that she was on her way over to see if I was ok "Maura I'm fine just finish what you are doing" I managed to get out before another wave of nausea over took me. Her hand on my back let me know that she had ignored my request "Sorry Jane I didn't know that would happen" She murmured softly as she rubbed soothing circles on my back leaving a warmth in their wake.

After I was sure I wasn't going to vomit again I wiped my face and turned to her. "Jane you look awful your cheeks are completely ashen let me take you home" I shook my head vigorously "You have to finish the autopsy" I sighed holding my stomach hoping I wasn't going to suddenly be sick again. "I was almost done any way I can get one of my assistants to close and I can finish the rest tomorrow, I'm not going to take no for an answer so there is no point in arguing Jane." Not having the energy to protest I nodded my head in defeat.

She put me sitting on a chair and then gave me a glass of water and then she went off to give her assistant the instructions. She came back and helped me out of the chair my head began to spin at the sudden movement and she looped her arm around my waist to keep me steady. She helped me into the passenger's seat and I swatted her hand away when she tried to buckle me in too. "I can do that!" I grumbled half-heartedly. She chuckled and got into the driver's seat. "Good thing know that you're still as grumpy as ever even when you are sick!" I didn't feel well enough to have some kind of come back so I just grunted my discontent.

Within minutes I was back at my apartment and my agitation towards Maura taking care of me had dissipated and I felt comforted that she cared so much. She brought me to my room and I collapsed on my bed, she rooted through my wardrobe allowing a few tuts to pass her lips as she disapproved of how messy my clothes were. She threw a large t shirt and shorts on to my bed and spoke in a slightly embarrassed voice "I presume you can change yourself, I'll be back in a minute with water and some pain killers because if I'm correct you are going to be dehydrated and have an awful headache" She was on her way out the door when I spoke "Thanks Maur" She turned and shrugged "I don't mind, it's what friends are for" and then she left.

When she came back a few minutes later I was tucked under the duvet I leaned up and took the painkillers from her and took a big gulp of water. "Thanks Maura, really you don't have to do all this" she let out an exasperated huff "I already told you I don't mind I'd like to think you'd do the same if it was me who was sick, so if you're ready to sleep I'll go home" she started to get up off the bed but I grabbed her arm and held it in a vice grip "Don't, stay its late, I want you to stay" She smiled sweetly at me her dimples only appeared slightly "Ok, I'll just get my pyjamas and I'll make up the couch" She rooted through my closet again trying to find the silk pair she had bought me about a month ago. "You can stay in here if you want, your almost taller than the couch it can't be comfortable" I could feel the blush that had made its way onto my face and it made me even more embarrassed. "Well if you're sure, thanks" She disappeared into the bathroom and within a matter of moments she was out again.

She slid under the duvet and stayed close to her edge of the bed. "Jesus Maura I'm not going to bite!" I reached out and pulled her closer. "JANE your hands are freezing get off me!" She whined and smacked my hand away. "Chillax Maura!"

We elapsed into a comfortable silence, I could hear that Maura's breathing had evened out and presumed she had fallen asleep. I lay there thinking about how this was a big change in our friendship she had never slept in my bed before but for some reason it felt comfortable, familiar like she was supposed to be there. She stirred slightly and dropped her arm across my stomach. I laughed internally "She's a cuddlier in her sleep" I thought. I closed my eyed enjoying the closeness to Maura and fell into a peaceful sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Guys I'm sooooooooo sorry that it is such a massive gap between updates but it's my first year in college and it's been totally hectic but on my Christmas holidays so gonna try and cram in as many updates as I can in the three weeks I have off…..sorry again!

**N.B none of these characters are mine, this is only for entertainment.**

Chapter 4

Jane's eyes narrowed as she gazed across the table at her mother "Ma you cannot be serious Tommy cannot come stay with me when he gets out early and that is that!" Angela Rizzoli opened her mouth to protest but Jane silenced her with one of her famous looks and that was it the conversation was over. She got up and left slamming the door to her mother's house on the way out. "You've got to be fucking kidding me…I need a drink!"

She sat down in her usual booth and waited for Maura to arrive, she needed someone to talk to and Maura was completely impartial, she didn't know anything about Tommy in fact she didn't even know that Tommy existed. Jane ordered two beers and drank them quickly not really wanting to be fully sober at this moment in time.

Twenty minutes later and 4 beers down Jane was feeling buzzed and Maura finally arrived "Jane I'm so sorry the autopsy took longer than expected and the new assistant vomited when he saw the contents from the man's stomach to be honest if he acts like that I don't even know why he is in this profession!" She finished her rant as she slipped of her coat and slid into the seat across from Jane. Maura looked at her for the first time and saw the glassy look in her eyes and knew something was wrong. "Jane what's happened?"

Jane waved her hand nonchalantly around in front of her face trying to show that it was nothing but the look Maura was giving her told her she wasn't fooling anyone. "Tommy is getting out in two days!" she slurred out suddenly realising the full extent the alcohol was having on her body. Maura's eyebrows knitted together in confusion "I'm sorry Jane I don't think I full understand, who is Tommy?" Jane huffed in absolute exasperation and knocked one of the empty beer bottles over in the process "He's my baby brother!"

Maura's mouth fell open in complete shock, she couldn't believe that Jane had kept such a massive secret from her and her first reaction was rage: "Jane how could you keep something like this from me I know we haven't known each other long but I thought we trusted each other but obviously not!" Jane slumped her head back against the booth and sighed heavily "I didn't tell you because I'm ashamed and embarrassed of him!" Jane titled her head forward and that's when Maura saw the tears glistening in Jane's eyes and her heart broke.

Maura paid for the beers and pulled Jane out of the booth realising this was not the best place for this conversation and when Jane's head hit the table with a bang she knew she had to get Jane out of here. Jane could just about buckle herself into the car and fell asleep as soon as the engine started. For the whole drive back to Jane's apartment Maura couldn't stop thinking about Tommy; what had he done to end up in prison and why was Jane so adamant about not telling her about him.

As Maura pulled into the parking space outside Jane's apartment she came to "Maura what are you doing?" Her vision was still slightly blurry but she could tell she was in Maura's car "I'm taking you back to your apartment getting you some water and then we are going to talk" Jane rubbed her head and unbuckled herself.

Jane laid on her couch her arms shielding the light from her eyes, she groaned loudly as Maura pulled her arms away and signalled for her to take the glass of water off her. Two glasses of water later Jane was able to sit upright and form coherent sentences. Maura stared at her intently waiting for her to talk, finally Jane couldn't take the silence anymore so she spoke "Maura I didn't tell you because Tommy isn't a part of my life anymore so I didn't feel the need to tell you but now he is coming home in two days and I don't know how I'm going to deal with this." Maura captured Jane's hand and smiled sweetly at her "Jane even if he isn't a part of your life anymore he is still your brother and still a part of your family and Jane who knows Maybe he has changed!"

Jane rolled her eyes at how clueless Maura sounded she didn't know anything about Tommy. "You don't know Tommy Maura he is awfu,l since he was young he has constantly been in trouble with the law, Ma tried her best to keep him out of trouble we even moved a couple of times to keep him away from certain people but he still managed to find trouble. It was my first week on the job and I got a call saying there was a burglary going down two blocks over so I went over with my partner to see what was going on to my horror I found Tommy and his friends can you imagine how embarrassing and horrible it was for me to arrest my own brother?" Jane's eyes were swimming with tears again.

"Jane sweetie I'm so sorry I can't imagine what that was like for you and the trouble it must have caused your family." Jane sniffed trying to prevent the tears from falling but failed miserably. The tears finally spilled out over her eyes, Maura on auto pilot reached out and wiped the tears off Jane's cheeks. "Maura I just can't see him again I'm just not ready, I've built myself a good life without him and now ma wants him to come live with me when he's out and I can't let him back in again he'll ruin my life and everything I have going for me."

Maura pulled Jane close to her and enveloped her in a hug "Jane please stop crying I'm really not equipped to help you feel better; I don't know Tommy so I can't begin to dissect the feelings you have towards him because I don't understand the contexts or the gravity of this situation!" Jane laughed at the highfalutin explanation and cuddled closer to Maura "Don't worry Maura you're doing great you being here is helping a lot" Maura's posture relaxed and she pulled Jane tighter against her. Jane's breath was tickling her neck but she didn't mind Jane being this close and if Maura was being honest with herself she liked it. Jane could smell Maura's expensive perfume and it invaded every fibre of her being, she loved these types of moments, she loved being close to Maura it made her feel whole.

Without thinking Jane kissed Maura gently on the neck and whispered "Thank you" her voice getting muffled by the blonde locks but Maura heard it but more importantly she felt the shiver that ran through her body when Jane's lips connected with her neck.

What Maura couldn't see was the smile that had formed on Jane's lips – I felt that shiver- Jane thought to herself.


End file.
